


Sixty-Nine

by Caia (Caius)



Category: DCU - Superdictionary
Genre: Bronze Age, Crack, Humor, Multi, Pre-Crisis, Squick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-05-05
Updated: 2009-05-05
Packaged: 2017-10-02 16:32:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caius/pseuds/Caia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lex Luthor's sixty-ninth birthday party! Written in response to the <a href="http://community.livejournal.com/fortycakes/profile"><img/></a><a href="http://community.livejournal.com/fortycakes/"><b>fortycakes</b></a> Superdictionary Challenge #15, <a href="http://community.livejournal.com/fortycakes/20667.html">Birthday</a>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sixty-Nine

**Author's Note:**

> Lex debuted Action Comics #23, cover-dated April 1940, which makes him sixty-nine this year. But the birthday guests and setting for this fic are Superdictionary era (circa 1970s) rather than modern.

It is Lex Luthor's **birthday**! It is exactly **sixty-nine years** since Lex Luthor first appeared in the comics! That is as many as _twenty-three_ threes, which is a lot of years!

**Sixty-nine** is also the name of a sexual act that Lex Luthor would like to have for his birthday. When two people lust after each other very much, sometimes they give each other oral sex at the same time, which is called **sixty-nine**. And that's wonderful.

Since it is Lex Luthor's **sixty-ninth** birthday, he can invite **sixty-nine** friends! That is a lot of friends! **Sixty-nine** friends could **sixty-nine** _thirty-four_ times, with one friend left over to **sixty-nine** with Lex!

**Sixty-nine friends** will also eat a lot of **cake**! He will need more than forty cakes this time! He will need **sixty-nine** cakes, _twenty-nine_ sweet confections more than **forty!**

He will also need **sixty-nine candles**! He will need **sixty-nine** wax sticks with string through them to put on his cakes and blow out! If he does not blow them all out at once he will not get his **wish**! He will not get the thing he secretly wants!

There is only one **problem**. There is only one difficulty standing in Lex Luthor's way! Lex Luthor does not have **sixty-nine** friends! Lex Luthor does not even have one friend. This is because Lex Luthor is **evil**. Lex is not nice to people and people do not want to be friends with him. They also do not want to **sixty-nine** with him, even if he offers them cake. Since Lex is evil, people are afraid he might **poison** the cakes, put something in them that will make them sick or die, or even **bite their genitalia**, injure their private parts with his teeth!

And that is _terrible_.

But Lex is not just evil, he is also a **genius**! He is a very very smart person! He has an **idea**! He has a plan!

Instead of inviting sixty-nine friends, he will invite sixty-nine **enemies**! He will invite people who hate him and wish him harm! Since Lex Luthor is so evil, it will be easy for him to find sixty-nine enemies to come to his party! He will tell them that he has an **evil plan** to **take over the world**, a dastardly idea that will make him become the dictator of the whole planet earth!

And then they will all come to his **party**. They will come and help him celebrate his birthday with cake and sex!

He makes up sixty-nine invitations for his sixty-nine very best enemies: Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Supergirl, Robin, Flash, Green Lantern, Green Arrow, Aquaman, Hawkman, Hawkgirl, the Atom, Black Canary, Clark Kent, Jimmy Olsen, Lois Lane, Lana Lang, Perry White, the Joker, Brainiac, Batgirl, Mr. Mxyzptlk, Bat-Mite, Sue Dibny (&amp; husband), Zatanna, Firestorm, Jayna (&amp; brother &amp; pet), Bizarro &amp; Bizarro-Lois (Lex wrote their invitation in **Bizarro-speak**, a languages they says the opposite of what it really means), the OTHER Green Lantern, make that TWO other Green Lanterns, Sinestro, Star Sapphire, Gorilla Grodd, the Guardian, the Newsboy Legion (all five of them!), Wonder Girl, Speedy, Kid Flash, Aqualad, the Earth-2 Superman, Batman, Robin, Wonder Woman, Lois Lane, Flash, Atom, Hawkman, Hawkgirl, Spectre, Wildcat, Starman, Sandman (&amp; Sandy), and Thunderbolt (&amp; that boy with the bowtie), Snapper Carr, Red Tornado, Toyman, Metallo, and Krypto the Superdog.

Lex Luthor counted his guest-list carefully. There were only **sixty-eight** people on it! **Sixty-eight** is one less than sixty-nine! That would not do!

He thought. He added El Dragón to the end of the list. That made exactly sixty-nine **guests**! Sixty-nine enemies that would come to Lex's sixty-ninth birthday party!

Lex Luthor was so excited, so happy, that he baked sixty-nine cakes himself! He made them rather than stealing them! He had to steal a lot of flour and sugar and candles, but it was all worth it. Lex is a **genius**, which means he makes very good cakes.

Finally it was **the big day**! It was Lex Luthor's sixty-ninth birthday! Lex had all the cakes and candles and beds **ready**, all prepared and available for his enemies! He had even prepared some **spankbots**, androids programmed for domestic discipline, in case his guests got the wrong idea, or were into **the kinky stuff**, unconventional sexual activities.

The party was a **smashing** success! Everyone had lots of fun! Some of them even got **smashed**, very drunk, on Lex's stolen liquor, and a few of the smaller guests got **smashed**, somewhat flatter, in the confusion and excitement.

Some of the guests never did figure out that they were supposed to be at a party rather than a **battle**, a fight between enemies, but they seemed to **enjoy themselves**, have fun, anyway. And Lex made very good cake that was tasty even after it had been **used as a weapon**, thrown into someone's face, or even **stepped on**, squashed with someone's foot or boot.

And after they'd had enough cake, some of them did **get the hint**, figure out, the **sixty-nine** part, the part where they were supposed to be engaging in mutual oral gratification.

Although Lex had no idea how or why the Joker had put the trick **flag**, a little piece of paper on a stick that said "Cum!", on his **penis**, his male genital organ. Lex decided it would be more useful to figure out how Joker did **that**, a particularly clever trick, with his **tongue,** the flexible muscle in his mouth.

With all the fighting, the candles did not stay **lit**, on fire, long enough for Lex to blow them out and get his wish. But Superman gave him a very good **birthday spanking**, sixty-nine spanks for sixty-nine years, which Lex thought **secretly**, without telling anyone, was much better than his spankbots could manage. He would have to **improve** them, program them better, next year.

Next year Lex Luthor would be **seventy** years old, which is seven tens and much too old to have an **orgy**, a sex party.

But Lex is **evil**. He is not at all well-behaved, and he is already planning his seventieth birthday party orgy with his seventy best enemies!


End file.
